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Jokes!


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Remarkable

Wed Sep 30 2009, 11:03

remarkadmin

Registered Member #1

Joined: Fri Mar 20 2009, 11:15
Posts: 209

The concept is easy.. make everyone laugh! (perhaps even ROFLTAO)

Here's a joke I stumbled upon on the electric communications web of interconnected networks.

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group
were a general practitioner, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a
surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging
overhead. The first to react was the general practitioner who
raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.

"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will
have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the
bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky soon thereafter. This time, the
pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it
was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have
babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered,
as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist.
Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's
identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a
duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled
with this dilemma.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's
weapon pointed skywards... [click "Show" to read on]
Spoiler:

Wolfe Tone

Wed Sep 30 2009, 12:01

Registered Member #8

Joined: Sun Mar 22 2009, 13:40
Location: In the gutter
Posts: 182

Hahhahaha. Love that one.

Spunkycomics

Sat Oct 03 2009, 04:45

Registered Member #3

Joined: Fri Mar 20 2009, 20:07
Location: Behind you
Posts: 100

hehe, I hadnt even thought about a thread like this! What a great idea! I'll see if I can remember a good one

EDIT: (stupid one, I know!)

A rope walks into a bar and sits down at the counter. The bartender looks at him and says "I'm sorry, we don't serve ropes here"
The rope sags his head and walks out.
The next day he walks back in, sits at the bar and the bar tender repeats his statement. "I'm sorry, we don't serve ropes here. Now get lost."
The rope once again walks out
Finally, the third day, the rope ties himself in two, rubs his hair into a mess, walks back into the bar and sits on an open stool,
the bartender wheels to face him and bellows "WE DON'T SERVE ROPES HERE! NOW ARE YOU A ROPE OR NOT!?"
The rope looked at him and said
Spoiler:

Spoiler:

hehe, I normally dislike puns but I found that one amusing

[ Edited Sat Oct 03 2009, 04:53 ]

Remarkable

Sat Oct 03 2009, 15:36

remarkadmin

Registered Member #1

Joined: Fri Mar 20 2009, 11:15
Posts: 209

English as the official language of Europe…

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing public enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the language is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "0" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas…

Wolfe Tone

Sat Oct 03 2009, 16:41

Registered Member #8

Joined: Sun Mar 22 2009, 13:40
Location: In the gutter
Posts: 182

Whahahahha. Love em all.

An englishman, scotsman and an irishman are on a plane together when it begins to divebomb, sending them to certain death. In order to escape, the plane has to loose lots of weight quickly to allow it to continue to fly. They decide that each man has to throw out a possesion.
'I'll throw out a rose, 'cos theres lots of them in my country' says the Englishman.
'I'll throw out a thistle, 'cos there's lots of them in my country' says the Scotsman.
'I'll throw out bomb, 'cos' theres lots of them in my country' says the Irishman.
Luckily, their plan works and they survive, and they each go home to their families.
As the Englishman comes home he sees his dad weeping and says 'Dad! Dad! Why are you crying!?' to which his dad replies 'a rose fell out the sky and the thorns slit your mothers throat!'
As the Scotsman comes home he sees his dad weeping and says 'Dad! Dad! Why are you crying!?' to which his dad replies 'A thistle fell from the sky and the prickles blinded your mother!'

As the Irishman comes home he sees his dad laughing and says 'Dad! Dad! why are you laughing?!' to which his dad replies:

'I farted and next doors house blew up'

OR:

In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.

One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a scottish accent came from within the dense fog.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 10 englishmen".

With this, the english general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 50 englishman".

With this the english general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 100 englishman".

Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 1,000 englishman".

By this time, the english general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERES TWO OF THEM".

Spunkycomics

Sun Oct 04 2009, 04:08

Registered Member #3

Joined: Fri Mar 20 2009, 20:07
Location: Behind you
Posts: 100

Hahaha!!! Both the German one and that Scotch-English War one are amazing

[ Edited Sun Oct 04 2009, 04:10 ]

Remarkable

Sat Oct 31 2009, 15:03

remarkadmin

Registered Member #1

Joined: Fri Mar 20 2009, 11:15
Posts: 209

Solomon said, pointing to the head:
This is everything.

Jesus, pointing to the heart:
This is everything.

Marx, pointing to the belly:
This is everything.

Freud, pointing to the genitalia:
This is everything.

Einstein, pointing from the head to the toes and back.
Everything is relative!.